Nothing and nobody can prepare you for a miscarriage, but if there’s one thing this experience has shown me and taught me, it’s that knowing that you aren’t alone can help. So, for this blog post, I thought I’d share my own personal miscarriage experience and how I am feeling two months on from this devastating physical and mental trauma. If you'd like more support and advice, please contact the Miscarriage Association.
Our Miscarriage Experience
Marc and I found out we were pregnant at the end of July this year. I’d been displaying various signs and symptoms of pregnancy, but despite coming off the pill a month prior, thought nothing of it. I’d always assumed that getting pregnant would happen 6-12 months after making that decision - not a month later. So, whilst I was experiencing frequent waves of nausea and my boobs were hurting a lot, I brushed it off as more of a ‘weird phase’ than actually being pregnant.
Pregnancy had of course crossed my mind, but not in a serious way. I remember meeting my best friend for a drink after work and saying ‘my boobs hurt so much, honestly. I must be due on...or pregnant!’ I was 100% joking at that point, and it wasn’t until I was physically sick during mine & Marc’s car journey home a couple of days later that we both decided I should take a pregnancy test, just to be sure I wasn’t.
Little did I know that 30 minutes later I’d be stood on the stairs telling Marc ‘Oh my God, you’re not going to believe this - I’m pregnant.’
I remember the whole thing as if it was just yesterday. We arrived home with the Clearblue pregnancy test and I dashed upstairs to the loo straight away. Previous to this, I had never used a pregnancy test before, so the ‘peeing on a stick’ experience was new to me - but as soon as that thickly-lined plus sign appeared, of course, I knew this meant one thing and one thing only - I was pregnant.
The plus sign appeared almost straight away - probably no more than 5 seconds after I first began using the test, and I remember my eyes just being completely fixated on it. I was shocked, in complete disbelief, but above all else, happy. So, so, so, so happy - as was Marc.
A second more expensive pregnancy test (which Marc drove to Tesco for immediately after the first positive test) revealed that at this point, we were 3+ weeks pregnant, so maybe about 4 weeks at most. And with this in mind, Marc and I mutually decided to keep our news as private as we possibly could, sharing the exciting news with close family members & friends only. As soon as we hit the 12 week mark, we would then scream our excitement from the rooftops.
Or at least that was our plan. Sadly, we never reached that point.
At approximately 8 and a half weeks pregnant, I miscarried our baby, and our whole world seemed to shatter into a million pieces around us.
My miscarriage started with just a bit of light spotting. I’d been to the toilet, wiped and noticed spots of blood on the tissue paper. The amount of blood was minimal - almost nothing, really - but naturally, I panicked, cried to Marc, and phoned my mum. Within around 10 minutes, my mum was at our house and sat waiting with me whilst I spoke to a very lovely lady from the NHS 111 service. She quizzed me about the symptoms I was experiencing and was keen to find out exactly how much blood I’d lost. When I revealed that the amount was next to nothing, she seemed relieved but told me to keep an eye on it. I remember her saying ‘if the bleeding becomes heavier and is enough to fill up a pad, go to A&E.’
Spotting and the loss of a small amount of blood is actually perfectly normal during the first trimester/early pregnancy - I know this because of the hundreds of articles/Mumsnet posts I read whilst experiencing my spotting. However, sadly, even the smallest amount of blood can indicate the start of a miscarriage, so if for any reason you feel concerned or as if something isn’t quite right, be sure to go to A&E. That’s what I did.
Whilst the NHS 111 call operator had reassured me & calmed me down a lot, something in the back of my mind just told me that in spite of everything, something wasn’t right. It was only the night before the bleeding began that I’d expressed concerns to Marc about how my previously very severe pregnancy symptoms had almost completely vanished. My boobs didn’t hurt anymore, and I wasn’t feeling or being sick whatsoever, which struck me as odd as I had been suffering so badly before that point. Then, like I say, as soon as the bleeding began, I instantly feared the worst, and with all of this in mind, I knew I just had to go to hospital.
My total wait time in A&E was around 4-5 hours, which was, to put it bluntly, completely agonising. However, when I finally did see a doctor and he revealed that my blood sample/urine samples had come back clear and that I was still very much pregnant, none of that mattered. I would have waited days to find out that news if I had to - the sense of relief was truly indescribable.
Still, the doctor did warn me that if the bleeding became heavier, this could signal a miscarriage and that if a miscarriage did occur, there would be nothing I could do to stop it. This terrified me completely, but no amount of knowing or being warned could have prepared me for when this actually happened, which, devastatingly, it did.
Just before Marc and I went to bed that night, I felt what I can only describe as gush of blood from down there. I cried before I even got to the toilet to check, but when I did, as expected, I had discharged a considerable amount of blood - which only continued to worsen throughout the night and the days that followed.
At its worst, the amount of blood I was losing was enough to fill one pad around every 15 minutes - and this went on for approximately two days. As I had read online, the miscarriage felt like the worst, most painful period ever. I was cramping, I felt weak and of course, I was incredibly, incredibly emotional.
I think the hardest part about the whole thing - aside from the fact I knew we would never get to meet our beautiful baby - was the waiting game. Having a miscarriage evokes such an emotional roller coaster, and having to wait for a scan to physically be told that you’re baby is no longer there, is completely gut-wrenching.
Initially, I thought that I would be able to just take another pregnancy test to avoid facing up to that moment, but as pregnancy tests now detect even the lowest levels of HCG (the hormone that your body creates when you’re pregnant), it’s more than likely that the test would have certified me pregnant, even though I was losing the baby. So, we had no choice but to wait for the early scan that the hospital had arranged for us.
And needless to say, the days in the run-up to the scan were slow and long. I was still bleeding heavily at this point, too, so I was just as physically uncomfortable as I was emotionally. All I wanted was for the bleeding to stop and for the symptoms I had previously cursed, to magically reappear.
Of course, sadly, that didn’t happen, and on Thursday 12th September - a date I will never forget - after both an external and internal scan, the nurse finally confirmed that we had lost our baby through no fault of our own. The scans were uncomfortable - especially the internal one, because like I said earlier, I was still bleeding and everything felt very sensitive - but the pain isn’t what I remember. All I really remember is feeling completely numb. Marc and I had both known what was coming when we went to that scan, so mentally, we had prepared ourselves for the worst - but actually hearing those words ‘I’m so sorry, but you’ve miscarried’, made everything real and official. Even just the night before the scan, I had been trailing through Mumsnet posts shared by other women who had been bleeding in the first trimester - some had sad endings, but others went on to have healthy babies. I was hoping and praying that my case would be like the latter, and I felt completely broken that it wasn’t.
Marc and I miscarried between the 8th and 9th week of my pregnancy - other women miscarry earlier than this, some later. In most cases, miscarriages occur during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, but this isn’t always the case, so even if you have passed that ‘safe’ benchmark, if you feel concerned for whatever reason, or something strikes you as a little strange or unnerving, please make sure you go to hospital to get everything checked out. More often than not, the things we worry & stress about amount to nothing, and everything turns out to be fine, but equally, it’s important to listen to your gut instinct. My concern began when I suddenly realised my symptoms had vanished, and just a day later, I began to miscarry. Listening to your body is completely invaluable, and remember, nobody knows your body like you do.
Now that I’ve shared my personal miscarriage experience with you all, I thought I’d go on to answer a few frequently asked questions about this subject - which, for some reason, remains largely tabboo. Revealing that I had had a miscarriage on Instagram was terrifying, and I felt vulnerable in knowing that this news was now out there for the world to see. It really wasn’t easy, and at first, I regretted sharing anything at all. However, after receiving countless messages & comments, I began to recognise the positive in what I had done, and my decision to do so was reinforced. Having a miscarriage hasn’t made me any less of a woman, and I no longer feel ashamed to admit that this happened to me.
Frequently Asked Questions About Miscarriage
1. How common is having a miscarriage?
Though the topic of conversation is one that most will do almost anything to avoid, miscarriage is in fact very common. Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the vast majority of miscarriages occurring in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy - the first trimester.
2. What causes a miscarriage?
The cause of a miscarriage is still largely unknown. Certain lifestyle factors are thought to increase the chances of having a miscarriage - for example: smoking, drinking, taking drugs or living a generally unhealthy lifestyle. However, some people have been known to do all of these things whilst pregnant, and still have a perfectly healthy, happy baby, so it’s hard to pinpoint a single ‘reason’ or ‘cause.’
3. Are some women more likely to miscarry than others?
One of the most common questions about miscarriage is ‘are some people at greater risk of miscarriage than others?’ and the answer to that is ‘yes.’ Unfortunately, women who get pregnant when they’re older (anything beyond age 35 is often deemed a risk), and those with a history of miscarriages are of course at greater risk, too. With that said, many older women have gone on to deliver healthy, happy babies - as have those women that have suffered repeated miscarriages.
4. Am I more likely to have a miscarriage if I’ve already had one before?
This is a question I asked the nurse after my miscarriage had been confirmed, and her response was ‘you are no more likely to have a miscarriage because you have already had one, but equally, you have just as much chance of having a miscarriage as anybody else.’ So ultimately, unless something has been picked up on tests etc. and there is a clear medical/underlying reason as to why you have miscarried in the past, you are no more likely to have another miscarriage than you are to have a completely healthy, normal pregnancy.
5. Can you prevent a miscarriage?
Unfortunately, if a miscarriage is going to happen, or has already started to happen, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. However, by adopting a healthy lifestyle and really taking care of your body and mind, you are arguably more likely to have a healthy pregnancy with no issues. Of course, this isn’t always the case, as I discovered. As difficult as it is, all we can do is hope and pray that everything works out fine, and remain as positive and optimistic as possible. It’s so easy to live in fear of a miscarriage happening, and to over analyse every little ache, pain or twinge, but this really isn’t healthy and ultimately, will not change the outcome.
6. How long will it take me to get over my miscarriage?
‘How to get over a miscarriage’, is the one thing we all want a solid answer to, but unfortunately, there isn’t one. For some women, the grieving process when losing an unborn baby becomes easier after a couple of weeks or months, but for others, it takes much, much longer. There is no right or wrong length of time with this - your recovery takes as long as it takes. However, if you try to focus your mind elsewhere and learn to accept that you are not at fault, things will eventually become easier. Some women become fixated on all of the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’, and start to say ‘if only I had…’ or ‘if I’d done that…’ but again, it is very, very unlikely that you did anything that caused your miscarriage to happen.
7. When should we try for a baby again after having a miscarriage?
The one and only very simple answer to this question is ‘when you’re ready.’ Nobody can tell you when the time is right to try to get pregnant again, but yourself and your partner will know - and this is something that you should discuss whenever it pops into either of your minds.
After our miscarriage, my instant reaction, which I can only put down to desperation to fill the massive void I felt, was that I needed to be pregnant again right away. All I kept saying to my parents and to Marc was that I needed to be pregnant again as soon as possible. I guess I wanted it to feel like nothing had ever happened, and I thought that by getting pregnant again straight away, my grief and sadness would disappear. And whilst for some women, this does help relieve the pain, it’s important to acknowledge what has happened and to also give both your mind and body time to recover.
Two months on from our miscarriage, I feel much more relaxed about getting pregnant again. I no longer feel that desperate need to be pregnant - sure, it would be nice, but I am happy to put my trust in time. It’s all too easy to fixate on getting pregnant and to despair when it doesn’t happen, but I am determined to stay calm and positive - when the time is right, it will happen, and this is something I’d like all women who have miscarried to remember.
8. When is Miscarriage Awareness Month?
Miscarriage Awareness Month, or as it's also known Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, takes place in October every year.
I really hope that this blog post has offered some help and reassurance to those who have miscarried, or those who are thinking of trying for a baby after a previous loss/series of losses. As someone who has been through this myself, I can completely empathise with everything you are feeling and experiencing. Losing a baby is devastating, but time is a great healer, and be it a few weeks, a few months of even a year, eventually, you will start to feel better.
If you have any other questions you’d like me to answer about miscarriage, or you’d simply like someone to talk to who understands what you’re going through, please feel free to comment in the box below. I will get back to you as quickly as I can.
Until next time, stay strong & be kind to yourself.
Lots of love,
Grace x
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