However, I actually think that looking back and reflecting on those not-so-rosy romances can be quite beneficial - particularly if such reflection allows whoever happens to be reading this blog post to acknowledge that their significant other isn’t quite as great as they think they are.
So, for this blog post, I thought I’d take a look back on my past relationships (not mentioning any names, although some probably do deserve to be shamed!) & talk about the various relationship warning signs that I can now identify as toxic or destructive. Needless to say, back then, my rose-tinted glasses were a permanent accessory, so I wasn’t quite so objective.
I really hope that you all find this blog post useful & that you're taking care of yourself no matter what your relationship status may be.
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| Never punish yourself for the failing of a bad relationship |
Toxic relationship warning signs
1. He tells you what you can and can’t wear
I was going to ease myself into this list but you know what? I’ve changed my mind. This is always one of the first things I think of when looking back on one relationship in particular, and it’s one that made me feel completely suffocated and controlled. So why not start with a big one?
The ex in question was incredibly insecure, and as a result, he became extremely controlling. And when it came to how I dressed, he was absolutely not afraid to dictate.
One particularly vivid memory that always sticks out in my mind is when I was getting ready for college one day. My ex phoned me and as I was doing my makeup, I decided to put him on speaker phone. As always, he quizzed me on what I was wearing, before saying ‘you’re not wearing that.’
Little did I know that my mum was stood outside my bedroom listening - until she peeked her head around the door and said ‘that’s not OK, and it’s not normal.’
Which it obviously wasn’t - and still isn’t!
I actually feel a bit sad when thinking about this memory as it kind of proves just how vulnerable I was in this relationship. It scares me to think how many women - and men - are subjected to such unacceptable, controlling behaviour.
2. He doesn’t take you on dates
Marc and I love our cosy nights in together, but we also balance those nights in with nice dinner dates, drinks out and about, shopping sprees and all the other lovely things that couples should do together.
Not all of my relationships have been like this, though. In fact, my only other long-term partner (if I can even refer to him as that), didn’t take me anywhere. He made absolutely zero effort to arrange anything nice for us to do, and in spite of the fact that he was the insecure one, I somehow always ended up putting in the legwork.
My ex made me feel as though it was my duty - even though I was just a student at the time, so not earning any money at all - to pay to get trains to go and see him as and when he saw fit. And then when I did get to his house, I would have to sit and watch him play on his Xbox with his friends.
Looking back, it really was the most bizarre situation ever. I just so wish I’d listened to my mum when she kept telling me to call it quits. Sometimes though, we have to find a great relationship in order to recognise a bad relationship. And I guess that’s what’s led me to this point.
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| A loving relationship doesn't require fresh macaroons and flower deliveries every single day, but it does require effort from both sides |
3. He doesn’t like any of your friends
People’s personalities clash, and we can’t all like every single person that we meet - that’s just not the way the world works. However, alarm bells should be ringing if your significant other has an issue with every single one of your friends - and for no good reason.
This is yet another issue that I had with my ex, and one that again, I completely ignored, despite the fact that it made me incredibly uncomfortable.
My ex was completely intolerable of my friendship group, and he had absolutely no reason to be. At the time, I was so absorbed in the relationship and so desperate for it to work that I never raised this as an issue - but now when I look back, I just can’t even believe how naive I was.
It’s so obvious on reflection that the reason my ex was so against my friends was because he wanted me all to himself. It’s odd and it’s disturbing, but surprisingly, it’s not uncommon - which is the really scary thing.
4. His texts and phone calls are constant
If I were to sit here and list the number of times I had to turn my phone off because my ex was harassing me, I would be here a very long time doing so.
At one point, the phone calls - both to my mobile phone and our family landline - were so constant and relentless that my parents had to actually unplug the the phone so that he physically couldn’t ring the house. Meanwhile my mobile phone was turned off and left on my bedroom floor.
This particular occasion was pretty pinnacle for me in the relationship. At this point, I knew that things weren’t right, and whilst I didn’t actually end the relationship on this occasion, this whole incident evidenced just how toxic the relationship was becoming. I think I became a bit more wary at this point.
If your other half is constantly bombarding you with phone calls and texts or they’re harassing you on social media, please don’t ignore the warning signs. I feel like all those years ago, there was so much less awareness surrounding abusive relationships, which is why for someone like me, it took so long to escape my relationship.
Fortunately, these days we know much more in this regard. I just hope that this understanding prompts people to call time on their dangerous relationships.
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| Cute little texts and mutual, loving conversations via telephone are great - but if communication starts to feel like stalking or harassment, this is not okay and needs to be addressed |
5. He is aggressive
Aggression in any relationship is completely unacceptable, and while the occasional little spat or bit of bickering is totally normal, genuine anger and aggressiveness really isn’t.
My ex was never physically aggressive with me, but his controlling nature meant that he often spoke to me in an aggressive, threatening tone.
If your partner makes you feel uncomfortable because of the way he physically behaves or the way in which he speaks to you, it’s time to rethink the relationship completely. You should not be subjected to this - nobody should.
6. He puts you down
Anyone that has to put you down in order to make themselves feel better doesn’t deserve your time. You wouldn’t want to spend time with ‘friends’ that behave in such a way, so why should you put up with it in your relationship?
I’ve always been a super ambitious person, which most people consider to be a great quality, but my ex was just threatened by this.
In toxic relationships, it’s not uncommon for one half of the couple to attempt to bring the other half down on their mission to gain as much control as possible.
7. He shows up unannounced
If your boyfriend or other half is showing up to your home unannounced, particularly if he knows you are supposed to be seeing friends or you already have other plans, then this really isn’t okay.
I remember being at university and telling my boyfriend at the time that I was going on a night out so to please stop texting and calling me, and he actually said to me “you’re not going anywhere because I’m going to drive up there.” All of my friends were absolutely horrified (they all knew what he was like at this point & our relationship was the closest it ever had been to breaking point) and I was equally disturbed. There’s something really unnerving and unsettling about being in a relationship with someone that simply will not be told ‘no’, which is why you have to be strong and nip things in the bud completely.
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| Showing up unannounced can be quite romantic, but not if this has clearly been done in an attempt to kibosh other plans or to prevent you from seeing other people that you love |
8. He’s over the top with the PDA
I’m not saying that all controlling men are like this, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with showing how much you love someone when you’re out and about. But some things should be kept in the bedroom and behind closed doors, because they’re private and more intimate acts of affection.
If your other half is particularly over the top in this regard and is unwilling to stop being overly -tactile, then you may have a problem on your hands. My ex behaved in this way and now I recognise this as yet another example of him displaying this craving for complete control and ownership. I never actually felt like I was in a mutual, loving relationship with my ex - I felt like his property.
If this all sounds a bit too familiar, then this is a major warning sign that you’re in a toxic relationship & I would urge you to reconsider your relationship status.
If you have anything you'd like to ask me with regards to the content of this blog post, your own personal relationship or anything else, please do not hesitate to drop me a message. I am always happy to lend an ear & advise in any way that I possibly can.
I have also listed a few other useful contacts for those that are concerned about their relationship or their partner's behaviour below:
- Mental Health Foundation
- National Domestic Violence Helpline (Women Only) - 0808 2000 247
- Women's Aid (great for those that would prefer to write down what they are experiencing, rather than physically talk)
I so hope that this blog post was useful & I look forward to sharing more with you soon.
Stay safe & always look after yourself.
Lots of love,
Grace x
great sharing
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